Dan Pelner gets stuck in a pumpkin. Fortunately this meerkat was there to pull him out with his teeth.
Pants Off Racing
Pants are for Fools
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YOUR PANTS, OUR MOTHER
Time for prayer is often reserved for bedrooms and churches and synagogues. We aren’t saying you need to be catholic or you need to go to Lourdes and stick candles up your nose like our old mang Balty, but I think it is time we got serious and at least did something.
What have you done recently to make a difference. Our friend and most philanthropic donor so far has began to tithe his annual bonus. This kid (Andrew Forero) is made of golden pants, not because he went to ND, but because his heart burst and bled all over his pockets and into the greatest team ever assembled. He is just out of college and making donations that make a real difference!
I can’t tell you how awesome all of the friends have been in supporting the family and the cause. It isn’t one person but it is so many across the states. We have 24 knuckle/turkeyheads signed up for a 200 mile relay race this fall. Some family that we didn’t know existed anymore, and others that are just excited to join in the event and promote such a vital cause in the cancer research community. Special things are about to happen, ask Trooper!
So keep your spirits high, and make a million dollar smile something you wear around all the time. I think Pants has it down in this pic! Pictures remind us of some of those good times, so make sure you go back and remember what makes you happy again.
YEAR OF THE RABBOTT
So there are some new faces in the crowd this year. We have Chops, he dances for training, and he has kicked his smoking habit so he doesn’t get any more cigarette burns in his jersey.
Hendrix and yahr decided to take the plunge. Half of the dynamic duo is heading to the 1st annual Pants Off Racing Bourbon Chase.
http://www.bourbonchase.com/course.html
Uncle Jimmy will also grace us with his presence. He is the elder member of the group and obviously the most immature. Ask the Canadians!
Brian Moose Smith, well we aren’t sure which picture is him, but the one looks like he may be constructing an Ark in case we take on the oceans one of these years. 2 at a time please.
Well this year is big time for the team. We are about to break open in the non profit scene. Our license is in process and our lead counsel, Jimi Hendrix son, Chris, is making sure that your donations are going to good use. As financial manager of this institution, Pronk will send out the pro forma as soon as it appears in front of him. With any luck we will be building forts and tracks and swimming pools in the name of Pants off Racing gloabally! Can you even imagine what a group of young guns, and some old (see uncle jimmy), can do for the face of pancreatic cancer?!?!?! I am freaking pumped, pumped full of wild turkey and ready to go for a run, bike and swim.
See ya Pantless racers, have a day and don’t be afraid to shake that weight!
THE EARLY TURKEY GETS THE WORMS
It’s that time again, races are starting and the partying is about to hit all time highs. Traffic in LA is miserable since DR moved out here with 9 million other post grads.
All I really want to do on the phone with Nancy Pants in the morning is lobster kick a few of these commuters back to their hometowns. Then again, I will race their mom, and I will win. Pants of Racing has begun the spring/winter with a real bang. Hitting up a 100 mile bike this past weekend and competing in all all out 15 k war in Chinatown. War or hills and rabbits. I would say the rabbits won, but I am not so sure my hip flexors would agree, the hills must have gotten the better of Downward Facing P Dogg.
Here are a couple pics of the afternoon. You may recognize the picxs from a daily line up in the Toledo Blade or the UCSB dogbook. Either way make sure you steer clear of these motley fools. IT’S BEEN BROUGHTEN BY POR!
TEAM PANTS 2011
Tweeting the Salad!
Well it was a special day. It was Amo’s Birthday and it was A – Pronk’s first pronkathon! He was a virgin pronkstar until this day! He met his match, the xterra was a bulldog as advertised! They called it some of the hardest hills that any Pronkstar has ever met. Pretty sweet stuff for your first race.
Well, the breast part is that Alex, never the dependable one actually proved he likes to run more than he likes to chase cougars. He woke up at 3am pacific time and ate a dece pronkfast then headed over to the race. He showed up just in time to open the gates with the park rangers at 5am. I think I was still asleep at this point. Well as he was signing up before most Los Angelers were sleeping, then decided to take a nap until the race.
Downward facing pronk dogg was at the race by 6:30, a little earlier than planned, but enough time to do the ritual and get a bib for the race. Thinking A-Pronk was not gonna show he decided to head back to the car and drop off the sweatshirt he wore since it was cold before the start. On the way a run in with Alex Peralta happened. Man this was unbelievable!!! The kid showed.
Man it was a tough race, i really need a camera to capture these things, not willing to risk the canons functionality no pics were taken on the course. but this was an unreal race. 2 miles in or 5K’s (of the 22K’s that were run) the hills started blasting our legs. Alex eventually took off on Pronk still feeling the effects of the Salad he had early morning! He was off to a blistering 22K. Fortunately the hill took its toll on everyone and Pronk was able to catch the virgin runner about mile 6.
The hills were a brutal 2K foot climb that never seemed to stop. it was the first time out in that park for either of us, so we weren’t sure to expect, but our friend from Belize told us where to take it back a notch. Belize Jason was wearing his compression socks, a must for all Pronkathletes! Well finally Pronk passed Alex and was able to take some pics of the kid crossing the finish.
Graet race by all PORers! Over 2 hours for 14miles, the Bulldog 22k in calabasas Cali, but not bad considering the course and the race schedule that has wiped out the Pronk reserves. happy about it, and the views were unreal. One year you have to check it out yourself. the mtns were unreal, a whole look over the ocean and the city. the rocks smoothed out near the top making it look like you were in utah, something i have never seen in my running days in LA.
next pronkathlon there is aug. 21st weekend, an ultra that does two laps over this course in 100 degree heat. who is ready to sign up for this one? It’s been broughten.
HURD responsinbly and stay fresh. This is the best way to start a weekend morning, running high is like nothing you have ever experienced! P-stars
ANNIE PANTS UP RAPSON
This was recently sent to Hurrican Pronkbird by a Lady pronkbird from NYC. This lady pronkbird is the breast fan ever know to the Turbo Pronking nation. She comes to visit for Pronkathons throughout the contiguous USA, and who knows where she may turn up next. But when T Bone, Pronkstar, or Drizzzzz race there is sure to be a message via text or drunk dial, or face in the crowd.
If you are thinking about having a new breast friend or fan take down Hurricane Annie’s number. She may be seen walking the subways wearing a Jim Tressel t shirt or just playing tennis in Compton against the ladies of the Bronx. Regardless, she is precious and had this to share with us. This article is against the credo of the Pants Off Racers, and for that we will post it to get your opinions.
Wear your Pants reposponsibly!
A Day for the Chicks!
Our founding Mother has 2 daggs and 3 kids at home. Her favorite child lives too far away to come back, but at least he knows she loves him most. With all the drama that the 3 kids and 2 daggs cause at home Pants has had the audacity to bit*h slap pancreatic cancer for the past 2 years, run a 5K, and put plastic sheets on the bed when John’s friends come over.
She has put up with the likes of Genital Gym Williams, Josh Braggs, T-Bone Koegel, David Grimes, and Alli Philabaum! She was a strict chick, never allowing her kids to have an all night curfew, we had to be in before the carriage turned back into a pumpkin. Still she always wakes up or sleeps on the couch waiting for us to come home. We call it overbearing, she calls it stressful!
But with all her rules and awesome cooked meals, somehow all of us still get along. As many times as we ran to our rooms yelling that we wish she weren’t our mother, we are so happy that we still have many days left being mad and happy with this chick! Her lack of direction and her ability to butcher our friends name and pretend she is senile has left us with many good memories. Oh and if you ever hear a story that is retold by Nancy Pants please know that about 35% of it may be true! She is the breast at making things up, it’s like a game of telephone she plays with herself, so when the story finally comes out you have little of what’s left from the way things really happened!
Regardless, Pants has been there to take us on vacations, meet us at weddings, and see us in all our Wild Turkey glory! She has no idea what she created, 4 little monsters that are so similar and so unique that I am sure she is confused as to how and why we do half the things that we do. She has witnessed our immortal races, a t shirt company out of her basement, and all the hoopla surrounding the one and only Pants Party.
Still working with a bunch of crazies, Pants and the brest nurse ever, Jill Micheal Bolton Stricker, Pants has kept some of her sanity. It must be therapeutic to a degree because that way she can’t answer all of our phone calls and get out of the house/John’s Juplife HQ.
So celebrate your mothers responsibly! You only have them around so long, but they are the backbone of your life. They are willing to put up with the many demands of their kids, and they can even vote these days! Some moms even work, truly amazing since they have to come home and deal with kids and kitchens all night! This is the reason Pants now takes a siesta with the dogs routinely. She has to be ready for all her kids to come home, even though she already kicked them all of the house once already!
The Birth of the Speedo
As we all know this kid is Kreepy. He keeps Kreepy Kool, and as a Pants off racer he has had many chances to be both Kreepy and a Pronkstar.
Well it’s Amo’s bday and we know he loves pics. he loves posting pics of his siblings so we’ll show ya a few of his all time breast pics.
Bday Smoke
Always has a face for the camera. His childhood in the shadow of Chris Amato and his All American status was tough, but through his many facial expressions he was able to cope. Some of us fared much worse!
He loves his daggs. Pretty sure his affinity with them is as bad as uncle Kelly owning a pair of rollerblades!
Plays santa for the pants party, no matter how hot the old people keep the house.
How many tressel shirts do you own?
Brings a new meaning to roadtrip.
The Goat Bag!
Have a diesel bday dude! The band will never break up, Noel!
Nurse Jackie and her bday stache
Nurse Jackie is getting old! 26 yesterday and celebrated with squirt guns and facial hair. we are just glad she didn’t break her foot again. here’s a rib of girlface, aka MJ, looking seksi in a stache.
hurd.
Pictures tell the Story
Yeah i know you love my wit, my chiseled calves, and my meerkat fizique! but you know what, we are gonna give u a story through pics this time. it’s easy and what you want to see. i read my brother’s blog and i don’t care about his wit, or awesome stache curling as he smiles and smirks while he writes his bible on www.juplife.com. You want the business…so hurr it is. Told by Chingy and his brightroom photologue!
we raced responsibily, i hope u did too! Power of the TWEET!
Patrick McPronk
soon to be legend - yes he is about to married/dead. Well we are having a bach party made in heaven. he loves cornbread, eats with his co-workers, and even takes vitamins. this guy was bron with a golden spoon and 19 siblings. no he isn’t mormon, he is Irish. Irish I were Mexican, but somedays i wish I were McPronk!
His feats include being sweet at average things, be a talented Bengal (see bengal bouts, notre dame), drinking more jameson than water on an average day, and being the best big spoon ever to come out of South Chicago.
He also was roommates with Joe C. That is not to be overlooked because Joe C is a mythical bartender in Chicago and will play Rockband till the moon is going going gone.
Well every good man meets a slampiece and fizzles away. Pat has met that slampiece and she is from T Town, home of the mud hens and Liz Malone.
A great place to get married and make kids. Ask my parents, they did the grown up and had four kids that all live the dream and pronk the walk. Off base again, getting that ADD back on track, Pat is getting married.
We are celebrating the death of McPronk in Austin TX!!!!
Going to be the sweetest event in tandem with Uncle Blair’s big bday bash.
Should be lots of Texas swearing, lone star beers, and blonde hairs. Pat and Blair are yet to meet but put them together and they are a match in heaven.
come see us in july, july 15 – 18, and see what I mean. I miss you all and hope to see ur botts thar.
Signing off responsibly…acepronk.
Genital Jim Williams Add Some Live Video Feeds of John Amato
Prairie Dogging a Stache, ask Rohn Amato about that snuff! The only reason Ms. KT Amato’s class can recognize him from the other whites! Cause all white people look-alike until you have a fashionable stache.
Prince Rohn
Journals From The Pronk-boy
So this weekend was spent away from the fields of Pronking and LA. Spending as many hours away from training as possible and running into the Clausens in Palms Springs was on the agenda. The blonde hairs were on the agenda in Palm Springs. Country hats, aka cowboy hats, were a big thing, and a few man hammocks were even spotted. Just cause we always seem to be Pronking thons and tweeting about training runs doesn’t mean the party is over. It is actually starting. To be immortal is to stop training all together and eat a pulled pork sandwhich and tell everyone at the concert that you are in love with a platter of Garlic Fries, even if it is from a vendor called The Gym. Sorry Genital Gym, they took your restaurant name and made the fries better! Better make sure they serve their ice tea at the proper temperature and serve crave cases of pulled pork sangwiches.
So the weekend was filled with Pronk fuel – Sparks, 5 hour energy, an occasional turkey bomb, some delishious waters, thousands of natty lites, and a few hundred monster vodkas. The sites were amazing. Imagine 75 thousand of your breast friends in the desert enjoying Tobey Keith and Keith Urban doing the gobbler as the sun sets!!! Riddick, Mark can tell you firsthand he blacked out from nostalgia and several grams of bud light. The people were amazing, the shirts tell the story and the hats separate the cowboys from the girls.
Having said most of this from memory I do want to say that this concert is not to be missed in your bexton gazette itinerary or your POR race schedule. I will race you out there next year and make sure the JW is ready for lots of tandem bike rides and Pornkbirds invading for a weekend of high tolerance.
My body still is resting, but it says bring it Wildflower. I see you on the schedule in 3 days and you know what!?!?!!? I am not afraid. I conquered Boston and Lavaman with coral in my foot padding, I will take you on with a pink sleeve on my head and a meerkat on my jersey. You will be pronked like those before you because sometimes all it takes is a racer’s turboheart, some hal mary’s if I am not blacked out by the run, and the spirit of Nancy Pants Amato coursing it ways through your veins. Pronking with meaning is important and can get you through everything, plain and simple. I haven’t had time to train like I need to but the races are fun and should remain that way. Seeing people you know and stopping to talk to them is underrated! You need to have a smile on your face, or you just aren’t running like the Tarahumara that we read about in “Born to Run”. Find your inner stallion and tell the unicorn to stay hidden till you’re finished.
As always, pronk responsibily, and don’t forget to reply to emails. Softball is more important than work, and that’s fact.
We are sower we are STROSE!
Boulder based Anthem and anointed deputy (by his confirmation sponsor) John Christ Binger (confirmation name) Amato may soon join forces, just as I have joined forces with oasis 2.0 (shown in upper left hand of the picture). Our new clothing sponsor will be at all race events and most likely fashion the headwear apparel as Aunt Nancy Pants has been too busy signing up for the amazing race and running for political office from Amato HQ in Hermosa beach (which means beautiful in Mexican) to fashion us all with her beautiful tie dyed sleeves (http://hiphousewives.com/)!!!!
gooo gooo ga chooo! look like a dapper cholo in ur new anthem hat and trash stache. the ladies at work love both the hat and creepy stache, let them love. it’s not their fault their women!
wiki responsibly PORs!
TURKEYS & TURKETS
This is a racing team and we need to start racing. There are a few things we do well, and one of them is run for a cause. The cause in this race is gonna be FUN. years ago i think i ran across a story about running in costumes, not just your average daily jog, but an epic Pronkathon. These people joined the trifecta of sweetness as one: Exercise, Costumes, and Consumption (Drinking & Eating). There are only a few times you can really say you do this.
One would be tailgating
another may be Bay to Breakers in San Fran (www.baytobreakers.com)
and finally another being family reunions.
Regardless we have some racing to do…and the Marathon du Medoc is just this. We are primed to have the race be one of our finest moments of sheer will to drink while in costume for 26.2 miles. leading the charge is our hapless father figure, Chris Amato (aka NJ for 2010). he has never run before, like Chuck Norris, but he will prairie dogg wine country with the Frenchest Frogs.
here is the link so make sure you get your shoes broken in and get ur costume ready for this special event coming sept. 2010!
Our 2nd race of the year is for all you crazies that like long rides in vans and tweeting 200 mile races. We plan on taking on the next level of endurance racing, in teams! We are looking for a Riddick-ulous amount of Pronkstars to stack our 2 team roster with 12 members each. The race includes several legs of racing in which competitors will run between 4 and 6 miles at a time to run a total of 200 miles as a team. Most members will get in about 18 miles and receive a chalice of Wild Turkey upon arrival at the finish line.
DRizzle is working on the team jerseys with his friends on twitter, and these should be up on the website shortly. Again, tell us how interested you are in this. It is gonna be the breast race ever, and pronkbirds and lady pronkbirds are urged to sign up as soon as possible. Spots on the team will only last until registration via POR.com is closed. First come first served, so claim ur chalice soon.
Possible attendees for the race du medoc - Pronkburd, Binger von bingerstein, Amo, Mark Smith, Drizzle, Chris Mato (capt.), Novelon’s, host Randy Epping, jim Hummer, and many other pronkstars.
Attendees for the race du Turkey: Amato kids, Gerhard Lombard, Editor of POR.com Heidi Burkhart, Dell and Mrs. Dell, Uncle Nathan, T Pot, and Annie Pants Rapson.
TEAM DR & TRON
CLEAN PANTS (& HOPEFULLY UNDEROOS!)
The man to the wife brought his whitest whites, they were fresh from the sporting goods store and he wanted everyone to know he owns a bottle of bleach.
Alright to the real story…..PANTS HAS ANOTHER CLEAN SCAN!!! Thanks for always praying and thinking about the lady we call mom. She has been blessed with so many great friends. Any time you need a few prayers let us know, we def. owe yas a few.
As for the post that was meant to be a long time ago….
The Pan Can race. Here are a few of the photos that never were posted. hope you all enjoy and find time to join us for some races later in life. We have some good ones coming up, so send us an email at PantsOffRacer@gmail.com. We are waiting for your ideas, races, and IQ scores. And if you haven’t sent in your applications yet please do so. We are on call and always late to get back to people, but it isn’t our fault, we are too busy racing and looking for our pants (and having fun).
SUPER BOWL SHUFFLE
"LOOK THERE'S A NINJA TURTLE...AND A PIMP!"
Pants Off Racers stormed Redondo Beach for the Super Bowl Shuffle. For the King, pimp, Turtleman, and nerd the 2 free beers at the end provided us with all the motivation we needed to get to the finish line. Dr. jon needed a designated driver to take him to the race, fortunately Mr. Burg Err King was around to provide the transportation. This is the only photo evidence of the race, but man they are about as great as it gets.
- HE COULD GO ALL THE WAY
At one pt in the race a parent was telling his 3 yr old daughter to look for what was approaching, as he readied her he said “Hey look [enter daughters name here] female here comes a Ninja Turtle, and a …. pimp!” Haaa, it was classic, and we all made it, even Bonesaws sweater vest which threatened to disown him for wearing a polyester suit for a 6 mile run. It is good to report that his winter sweater is still intact, and ready to give Pelner a run this year at the Annual Xmas party ugly sweater hootenanny!
Hope you like the pics, they made me laugh to myself a lil more this weekend.
Remember, high levels of fun are dangerous, please have fun responsibly!
The Lost Race – Santa Barbara
Every year we make a pilgrimage to Santa Barbara to visit Wild Turkey himself and all the bachelorette parties that are up there. This year we decided we might as well do a race while we were at it. Good thing we had a race too, since Wild Turkey bailed on us for Vegas at the last minute. At least he still let us crash at his place, only problem was that we had to pick up the keys from his mom in Augora on our way up. This however turned out to be awesome as we got to hear all sorts of stories about how big of a nerd Ryan was growing up! After our detour to the wild turkey horse farm, we headed to Santa Barbara, checked in to the race, and unpacked our gear at Ryan’s place. Then we got some grub and hit the sack early.
We got up race morning at some ungodly hour and rode our bikes over to the start since Wild Turkey only lived a mile away. At the pre-race meeting they stressed safety, last year there was an unfortunate accident on the bike and a competitor lost control of her bike on a technical down hill portion and was killed. Always remember even in a race you got to be careful out there. For this race we would be in the 5thwave, which was a change of pace, but gave us plenty of time to set up our transition area and go for a quick warm up swim. Good thing we tested out the water before the start, it was freezing and would have been a shock if we waited to run in at the start. Other then being freezing the water was a slightly rocky, and don’t remember much else. Pat finished in around 30 min, and Pelner, well lets just say he finished.
The bike course was somewhat deceptive with gradual inclines being tougher then you could tell and the down hills a little faster than they appeared they should be. There was definitely some tricky descents, and the pre-race speech was enough to freak you out a little, so took it safe on some of the more challenging parts. It was still an awesome ride, despite some rough roads as well. It was cloudy and cool perfect for the bike leg of the race. Pat’s time was 1:38 and Pelner was in at 1:46.
The run was an out and back with a few hills on the way out, which made for a nice run back. It rained a little on the run, just enough to keep you nice and cool. The run was mainly along the coast with some nice scenery. Pelner had a sweet leg cramp on the run and clocked in at 1:12, but despite battling an Achilles injury Pat was able to come in at 1:07.
Overall Pronk finished in 3:23 and Pelner came in at 3:40. It’s definitely a race worth doing. Hopefully next year we can get Wild Turkey to join us and actually hit up some of those bachelorette parties after.
BIKRAM – Stay Loose PRONKSTARS
- RODNEY YEE – THE YOGA MASTER
Injuries are nothing you want to have to deal with. But we all get tired and worn out, and unfrotunately even older. My body is in breakdown mode and need of a bikram yoga vacation. My achilles is swollen up like a slinky and I can almost here it expand and contract. Well i was looking for stupid exercises to do to help cure this in the next week or so, and all I was told was to walk like a duck on my heals. So I looked like Mark Smith, except that I had to point my toes in the air. Now you look silly like that, but it works given time, rest, and ice. It is also helpful for shin splints, but lets look at something more practical. Here is a post that all of us can get something from. It is smart training, and will even help in your cross training and core development. Something lots of us don’t have time for or neglect since it is so time consuming, or we think it is, and the results are never what we want.
So here is the deal, if you don’t want to get injured or you just want to start a conversation with the hotties next to you in line to a movie you are going to by yourself, or you want to creep out or impress some co workers, get your arse to yoga classes. and not just any yoga…bikram yoga. Check out all the added benefits to this workout….. follow the article links for all the benefits. here are a few that are highlight.
yours truly,
downward facing p dogg
from: http://davidglover.net/2007/12/bikram-yoga-anniversary/
In my opinion, there are three primary reasons why endurance sports athletes should consider practicing yoga:
(1) Increased flexibility. As a multisport athlete, we need a full range of motion in order to be more efficient in our movements.
(2) Improved core and stabilizer muscle strength. Because we maintain the same positions for extended periods of time (e.g. 5 hours in a hunched over position during the 112-mile bike leg or running upright for 2 hours during a long run), we need a strong core and strong joints to support our bodies.
(3) Both of the above will help reduce the likelihood of overuse injuries (assuming adequate rest and reasonable training volume). Consistency in training is a key success factor in endurance sports. It’s difficult to be consistent when injured.
- DR at the gym
from: http://www.alive.com/5958a15a2.php?current_topic=34
Aside from the challenge, there are many other advantages associated with Bikram yoga. People from all fitness backgrounds and health histories see benefits through regular practice.
“I have been struggling with very tight and sore Achilles tendons and calves for almost a year, seeing specialists of all kinds without much success. After just three Bikram classes, I was virtually pain-free and able to play soccer at 100 percent!” says Bikram student Duane Marino. “It is an unexpectedly difficult workout that tests your balance, concentration, stamina, and strength, and uses every major muscle group
With benefits for all body parts, including increased energy and a renewed spirit, Bikram yoga is a way for anybody to enjoy what the heat has to offer.
from: http://www.tri247.com/article_2874.html
The heated room that the session takes place in helps ease muscles and joints and you leave feeling quite supple. The heat promotes sweating and detoxification and is designed to ‘deliver total health through the balancing and strengthening of every system in the body in order to prevent illness, injury and limiting the effects of aging’. Bikram specifically tailored moves which would ‘systematically move fresh oxygenated blood to 100% of the body – to every organ, bone, joint, muscle, ligament, tendon, tissue, fibre, blood vessel, nerve and gland’. With five years of experience behind me, I would have to agree with a lot of this.
Attending the evening session promotes a great night’s sleep. For the same reason the morning sessions can be quite dangerous!
- ZEN MASTERS
SWEAR – it’s SNOT all Aboot Races, even in La Canada
How about some fun, concerts, sports, ninjas, dogs and Meerkat Manner. There is time for all that as long as you make it.
training for an ironman isn’t all fun games, and it definitely isn’t all training and sweat. Yeah there are a lot of times that you just want to say Pronk that, I want a natty light chased with a turbodog and some wild turkey. be honest with yourself, let loose and go see Poison open up for Def Leppard.
Eat a sandwich that has a thousand calories in it.
Tell your mom you miss her, and tell your dad you’re not married yet because you want him to live vicariously through you forever!
Find a random group of pronkbirds to paintball with, and own them!
So bottom line is have some fun, or join a team that forces you to have fun. Don’t quit having fun because you’re getting older, college has passed by, and you started to gain weight in places you never thought were possible. I mean look at DR, I think he lost so much weight that most people can’t use him as a paper weight any more, he would blow away.
But start enjoying every day, or move somewhere that makes you smile when you get up, even after binging a good portion of the natty ice case you bought last night. Let your friends motivate you and if you ever lack in that area of your life, i think you have found the right team for you. Have fun putting your spandex on today, and go out there and prairie dogg some miles. It’s good for you and it will give you more energy and more smiles, especially when it is all over! Then crack that beer, wine bottle, or wild turkey…cause dammit you deserve it! you’re a living, breathing Pants Off Racer!
- There’s no such thing as a weekday any more!
Wake up today and feel the power of being able to workout! Grab that Monster or Enormous coffee mug and make everyone at work jealous that you’re having such a great week. Even if you have to fake it, people respond to others that smile and always seem to be having fun. it may be hard work on your tougher days, but I think in the end people are attracted to this energy. Be that person, and you never know what may happen. It definitely beats being the moody person at work that no one invites to lunch or Happy Hours. Give it a shot. Gobble Gobble.
Bike shop is Open
The bike shop is open. After reading lance armstong’s it’s not about the bike got a crazy idea to change thetires on m bike. This is one of the most arduous quick gear switches you can do. Trying to get that new tire over the rim of the wheel just doesn’t want to work. Took me twenty minutes for the first wheel only to realize that the box with new tires came with only one change of tires! So back to the shop tomorrow if they are open. Luckily I have a couple spare tires to use until I get that fixed up
I did notice that the usual round shape of the tire had been worn to a flat shape, almost making the tire “boxy”! Don’t let that happen, you’ll just be working harder. I guess that may help for ironman next week in Wisconsin.
Hurd,
THE CHAMP – NYC takes out the Field @ Nationals
Start the morning off listening to my tunes. Though I am usually an “In Search of Sunrise/Tiesto” Gal, I changed the tunes to make a tribute to Oakie. Paul Oakenfold that is. Partly because it is one of the G.U. series…Global Underground series—and well GU is also my energizer during the race. Love my Mint Chocolate GU…and Espresso Love. Stupid I know—but whatevs.
So jamming to Oakie G.U. New York—Disc 2. Perfect for setting my tempo for the bike leg—as too the run.
Transition bag ready to go—and head to transition with my FTE teammates.
Get marked. Get chip. Put around my ankle immediately seeing I lost this in NYC (but later located). Head to my bike—transition area. Flirt with a guy from Columbus to let me use his air pump to pump my tires—line at the bike support was forever long. And finish up setting up my transition area just so. Nerves start getting to me. I mean it is Nationals…but how much different than NYC could it be. I am to understand and believe that NYC pulls pretty solid athletes out…
I should have known when I saw athletes with their names splattered across the top of their bums with USA Team Onesy’s on…and their names on their bikes…that this race would be a doozy…
Head to swim start…
Jump in the water. Warm up for 2 minutes—and then head to position myself. Now I am the last person to say I am a good swimmer (yet). This is my weakest as of now—though I still position myself with probably the top of the swimmers. All of us hold on to the dock waiting for the gun to go off. “2 minutes left Ladies.” I am going off with my age group—even though I race Athena. Beats NYC where we went off with the Clydesdales. Now that was an interesting swim.
“15 seconds, Ladies.”
Trying to stay holding on as the girls now start getting feisty. At this point I am thinking maybe it was better going off with the Clydesdales. Mmm…yea. I think it actually was. Already kicking each other. Lovely!
“3…2…1!”
And the swim starts.
As I get my fair share of kicks in the face…jabs to the side…I start being the giver that I am and give back to the ladies…On the first turn, I start breathing to my dominant side and all I see is the sun. I clobber a girl…and realize it is Ali, one of my teammates. I quickly get away from her seeing that if that was me, I would start kicking faster and possibly kicking the girl who just clobbered me…no need to get in a swim brawl with my teammate. Lord. I clobbered my own teammate. Sweet!
Second turn coming up. Feel pretty good. Been focusing on sighting and gliding so actually feel I am making good time. As I finish my turn and make my first breathe. Sun. All I see is the sun. Damn, Mr. Sunshine. Need to breath from the left—but no buoys to keep me on track.
Note to next year participants, definitely do not wear your clear goggles. On the long straight away, if you are a dominant right side breather, all you will see is sun. Water is murky—even with clear goggles the most you will see is 3 inches in front of you. The River is named Black Warrior for a reason…
All in all, I ended up zigzagging here. Not too many buoys to sight with—and the sun left it hard to even see the upcoming buoys in the distance. My goal was to do my best to stay straight—keep it steady—and glide.
As I said, I am not the best swimmer. On this straight away I feel many “jammed it”…went at “solid effort”. In retrospect, I think I would have started doing spurts of solid and steady efforts on this straight away. Seeing that I did not, I started getting pummeled by the waves behind me. I would like to say it was only one wave behind…I am to believe some three and eventually four waves back literally dragged me under.
Eventually got to the last turn and straight away…and at this point, almost lost a battle to the buoy. Swam to close to the last buoy that the rope almost pulled me back…under. Classic. Classic move.
And it is here where I started doing my solid/steady pushes. A little late, but rather late than never. No Mr. Sunshine in my face—that was nice. Ended up heading in pretty straight so was quite excited. Got out. Checked my watch…
Started at 7:55 roughly…watch read 8:38. I took a double take. And still I did not believe it was a 40+ minute swim. Not until I got my results did I really believe it. Just as an FYI for racers next year. That morning they opened a Dam due to flooding issues…so we had a pretty strong current. Some had commented that they felt they were in an “endless pool”…just not getting anywhere. I just thought I was going steady and gliding quite well. Little did I know that I was actually gliding the opposite way. As I said, I am not a strong swimmer. For another prospective on the swim, my coach usually does the swim in 20 or so minutes…he was in the 30-minute range…and wearing a “speed suit”. So pretty strong current. Moral of the story, training in the pool not the same as training in the open water with currents and waves…shocking I know!
Out of the water—head up a pretty short but steep run up to the transition area. Noticed most bikes gone—all the bikes with the names that is. Definitely a different caliber of athlete here. I with Jacques, my 3+ year old Specialized Allez road bike, racing along with the Cervelo, Jamais, Blue bikes. Poor Jacques!
Note that I must learn the rubber band trick for getting on the bike out of transition…but for now I strap in to my shoes. Goggles on. Helmet on. Head out of transition. If you are the stalker of the race and race better chasing down your prey, this course is a great one for you. Lots of ins and outs to see your prey. If you are one not to like to see your prey, then tough luck.
Bike was two loops with a total of six out and backs—if I remember correctly. Hilly. Sunny. Hardly any shade, if any. Was rather disappointed being that they were shallow, steady climbs with crappy down hills. I tend to like down hills and tucking to give my legs a rest…no hills really gave way to deserving to “tuck”. Into the ride, my legs took a while to loosen up. Most likely the length (time) of the swim coupled with the four glasses of wine on Friday (the day before) probably did not help. Kept hydrating on the bike. Had two bottles in the cages on Jacques. And had one and half GUs on the ride. Took the whole first loop for my legs to loosen—and as for passing folks. Far and few between. I felt like a TNT athlete riding on the right the whole time. Might as well just had a bell on my handle bars and basket for VivVie (my 3.5 lbs Maltese—yes I am “that girl”).
In the last in and out, finally saw Jess—my teammate…my “prey”. Definitely gave me an extra push to catch her. So started jamming on the few straight-aways left. I am still learning the art of efficiency—and again, should have been doing a few more solid/steady efforts a little earlier on. Quite a few straight-aways that lean themselves to pushes. Got to the dismount. And ran in for the last leg…the run.
Of note, fastest bike was 27+ mph. Oy vey!
Into the run, I realized I was most likely 5 minutes away from Jess. I would imagine that she had 5 minutes on me on the swim—and as for the bike we typically are pretty much in line with one another. Just need to maintain an 8-min mile. Jess is typically just shy of 9-min miles. For me, an 8-min mile is pretty much my RP (Race Pace). Heading out on the run, I was exhausted. Had frozen a bottle of water that morning to carry with me at the start of the run to poor over my head. (After the swim and bike, all the ice had melted leaving ice cold water.) I am happy I had this. Right away I took it and poured some on my neck and wrists. Ice cold. Absolutely delish!
A half a mile into the race, I started to get in a mood. Was not into it mentally. Rather over the race. No shade for rather all of the race thus far. No promise of shade to come. Hot. Humid. Done with it. I studied the course and knew the first 3 miles were hills. And training in New York—well just like the pool training—not much of hill training when you run the Westside Highway mostly (completely flat). Tried to stay optimistic and get into the race…so started to think of Oakie tempo here. If I didn’t, I would have probably been curled up on the side of the road with a sign that side, “Toledo or Bust”. I just wanted my mummy at this point. Oakie though saved me—and I finally zoned out. Kept my tempo steady. Kept my head in the game.
First hill. Long and gradual. Almost died. Wanted to walk so bad. Saw Billy, another teammate of mine cruising down the downhill of this in and out—arms going wild. Thought to myself, “so that is how you go downhill”. Ended up making it up with a steady jog…and started to go down the hill—attempted the wailing arm trick. Ten seconds into the wailing arm/pinwheel downhill, decided that was a not for me. (As a side note, Billy qualified for Budapest and is a killer triathlete.)
Second hill. Short but very steep. My least favorite of all of them. Felt I was trying to scale a wall. Nothing more to say, except that it sucked.
Third hill. Gradual. Rather long and windy if I remember correctly…the sun and heat started getting to me where I became dazed. But, but then I saw Jess on her way down. Once I reached the top realized that I was about two minutes behind her. Recharged. Rebooted. Three miles left—and a little rolling but mostly down hill from here.
Entered a little pathway that made you think you were finally getting some shade. Um. Yeah. All two tenths of a mile of shade…maybe. Take it where you can I guess. Spotted Jess a little ahead of me. Water station coming up. See Jess stopped for a quick second. Start picking up my pace. At most, I have 24 minutes left—3 miles left—easy, I got this. On flats/gradual downhills I should at least average 7:40s RP right now. Get to water station.
“No more water. Gatorade?”
You have to be kidding me. Sun beating down on me. No shade basically the whole race and the run out of water. I hear someone complain behind me—which made me empathize with the water station peeps. Ok. So, no water. Races are not meant to be perfect, clearly!
Take a Gatorade. Dowse myself with it to cool off. Swam in murky water—so being a little sticky later will only make a shower feel that much better. And that idea, umm…well, it did not work. Gatorade at this point was rather the same temp as outside which at this point was 90+ degrees Fahrenheit. Sounded like a good idea.
A person is yelling, “one mile coming up.” I do not know if someone was really yelling this or all was a mirage—words I wanted to hear. Regardless, I pick up the pace even more. Breathing pretty heavy at this point. Get up right behind Jess. Not sure if I have to worry about someone else (another “prey”) but highly unlikely. Jess was last year’s National Champ for Athena so I bet no for this year…no other prey. I stay behind her for a short while. Literally behind her. Breathing heavy. Do not think she knows it is me. Get to her speed. Sit on her for a few more seconds to catch my breath. And what I mean by catching my breath, I basically sounded like a freakin’ donkey. Heehaw! Got myself to a calm breath.
Time to move. Need this to be over. Pick up the pace—and pass her.
“Suck it.” She says in a low, tired breath—as though she did not want me to hear.
What? What did she just say to me? Did she just tell me to suck it? Jess? Really? Seriously? (I asked her later that day—she swore that is not what she said…but throwing a few F bombs around may have been the case. Ok. So she said Fuck it…)
Caught her with one mile to go. Again, no shade. Just wanted to be done with this. Picked up the pace to basically all I had left. My body was definitely feeling it—my legs were done. In yoga, a teacher taught me that when the pain became so unbearable to just focus on one thing in front of you—and just focus on this. The pain will dissipate if you truly are focused. I do this. I focus on the various trees I am running to at this point. At the random racer that is in front of me. I focus so hard, I become relaxed in this state. It worked. I am at full force with only a few more steps. 5. 4. 3. 2…and I cross the line. Kneel down. Head below heart. And a lady begins to pour water over me. Loving this! Absolutely, loving this! First season. At Nationals. Competing with the top of the top in the U.S. And I have crossed the finish line!
Overall, I would say the course was extremely challenging mentally and physically…and the experience, quite humbling.
Results of the race. I believe 53rd in my age division (25-29)…But as for my division, Athena, I am National Champ baby! On the road to build up Team Athena. Goal for next year, race Athena but be in the top 10 of my age group. As for now, on to the next…Team Nationals—Oklahoma City or bust!
BiNGER VON GREENENStein
here’s another one of our PSA’s, all you pronkstars get out there and turborpronk some miles! keep up with the great eating habits and stretching. one year it will all pay off, if only you listen to the insightful videos of Von Bingerstein! he will keep you thumping those miles!
Play Ball, HURD
Pronkwear – TEAM POR tweets
Thanks to our smallest team member, Mike Mini Speedo Bulfin for his latest design of Pronkwear. We are ready to rock the new shirts around town, and possibly the globe. Members can start putting in their orders by the dozen. Hopefully fake tattoos for the team are next to come.
your neighbors always were jealous, give them another reason to envy you. chayaaaaa!
GRAMMA TRI’S
This newbie crushed out his first Triathlon this weekend. In his glorious speedo Gramma Green dominated competition and anxiety to get the the finish in an outfit only his mom could like. His previous race experience only included Zahm House bun runs and a couple marathons he prairie dogged back in the day, so this was another big accomplishment for the Man from Memphis.
His main motivation for the race was to work on his chicken legs and fit into his christmas sweater, borrowed from his real grandma, another year! The annual Pants Party means that much to him that he would don some spandex to make it back into his fav. cardigan!
POST RACE PIC featuring the one and only Gramma Green
Gramma’s training consisted of a lot of laying (shown below) and deep fried southern style foods. Gramma learned the techniques of laying from the great T POT. Since college T Pot has stopped laying and been running with Kenyans and Mexicans through NYC, and even signed up for a tri in 2 weeks in Madison Wisconsin. SO it has beena few years since Nick Green and T Pot put out the Joey and Chandler Bing vibe.
Gramma, we all want to congratulate you on the success of your first tri. Pronk is proud of yas, and we hope u continue to race – Pants OFF. For all you newbies please feel free to ask our favorite Gramma (ngreen42@gmail.com) how he did and overcame the anxiety of a mass swim start and never having done a triathlon until he was 26 yrs old. You’re never to old to try, so go buy ur speedo from Splish swimwear and get it done.
HE HAW, POR! TRI OR DIE.
OASIS BREAKS UP – APOCALYPSE IS UPON US!!!!
AN ENTIRE PLANET/PANTS OFF FAMILY CRIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Noel Gallagher says he has quit Oasis – claiming he could not go on working with brother Liam “a day longer”.
Looking back in anger: Noel Gallagher goes his own way The announcement came just hours after the band cancelled their second gig in a week. In a statement on the band’s website, Noel said: “It’s with some sadness and great relief to tell you that I quit Oasis tonight. “People will write and say what they like, but I simply could not go on working with Liam a day longer. “Apologies to all the people who bought tickets for the shows in Paris, Konstanz and Milan.”
The band were expected to perform at the Rock en Seine festival in Paris this evening. But the crowd were told by Bloc Party, who were due to perform before Oasis, the Manchester band would not be taking the stage.
Some fans thought it was a joke – until the big screens at either side of the stage displayed the message: “As a result of an altercation within the band, the Oasis gig has been cancelled.”
Ben Clover, 28, who travelled from south London for the festival, said: “There are a lot of British Oasis fans who have come over for this gig and they are very disappointed.”
Last weekend Oasis pulled out of the V Festival in Chelmsford, which they were meant to headline.
The band cancelled because front man Liam was struck down with viral laryngitis.
But their non-appearance sparked rumours they were set to split.
Earlier this month Liam revealed his turbulent relationship with Noel was so bad that they no longer speak, limiting their contact to exchanging insults on Twitter.
Liam told the NME: “He doesn’t like me and I don’t like him, that’s it.
“He hasn’t told me what he thinks of anything this year. We’ve got nothing to say to each other at the moment.”
Oasis fans have taken to Twitter to express their dismay at Noel’s departure.
PsychedelicAdam said: “Noel Gallagher leaves Oasis? Gutted, no more Oasis then I guess, they were one of my favourite bands.”
Wolvolass posted: “I feel sick, sooo many good memories and gigs seeing Oasis over the years.”
MattGriffin added: “This is the worst day ever”
Keep Pronking – Motivate for March 21
No surprise here, Von Binger brings the enter to entertainment.
Check out his newest PSA for team POR. This Pants Off Racer is throwing out the challenge to all of yas, brought to you courtesy of Energy cologne.
FUTURE Pantless Racer
Subway, hah, I'm losing the spare tire by racing Pantless. Na Na
This is a diesel man, meant to pronk (eat) marathons swift like a cheetah. just wait till he sheds the pounds and gives up Burracho Burrito for 5th meal. He will prove he is not anorexic, and definitely be an inspiration like his ex step cousin B Dinger.
AND THE PANTS COME OFF!!!!!!!!!
Guys, it is that time. Finally an event to support that involves the true PANTS, Nancy Pants Amato. Come RockTober 25th there will be our first race in the honor of POR, tweet tweet go the Pronkbirds! It is called the LA Cancer Challenge. You are all welcome to come walk, skip, run, sprint, or lunge through this amazing event.
LA Cancer Challenge Event link.
Uncle Nate did all of the above to finish his first race of any kind, outside of the Teens High on Lifer race in StRose elementary school. It was a proud day in the Lone Star state.
We have a team set up and everything. We will be bringing our honorary Matron from start to finish. She has been doing her part by partaking in Spartan workouts at the track in the humidity of beautiful HIO! She is almost ready to show y’all her pink kicks and laces that match them. Anyway, let’s try and sign up as many as possible. POR is going to represent en masse, and even if you’re not running with us in LA, show your support by running another race or 5k at your own leisure this same weekend.
This guy is coming, so pack in his creep car and meet us thar.
So here is how it goes, you can join the Nancy Pants team online by following this link.
Once you get to that link you just hit the Join Our Team hyperlink and it will guide you to team membership. Pants is making shirts out for everyone, ones that were designed by someone sweet, so make sure you email us with ur confirmation and tell us your size of shirt. This event falls on Pronkbird’s b-day weekend, so lots of Turbodogs and Wild Turkey will be required! hope you are all ready for the madness and are looking good without pants.
This will be an epic event with lots of photo evidence of how sweet it is to race as one, and how great it is to make a difference to all those battling such and awful disease. Please consider at least being a donor or finding others to sponsor the cause, because without getting out there and letting people know about the men and women that are dealing with this type of cancer, we won’t be able to reach the broad audience we are hoping to inform.
Chicken legs of all shapes and sizes welcome.
Thanks for your support, more to come! This is part of your new team, never a dull moment with the guy in the corner.
Oh and don’t forget to Carbo Load, PORers!
Splish getting Daps in Tri Mag
Keri, shark food, pink, stinker, Uncle Nate
Just ran through the last article of Triathlon Magazine and saw an article shouting out Splish Swimwear. I have several Splish suits, thanks to fellow team Member Keri Hehn. She recently competed in the World Championships in the breast stroke in Rome. I am sure Splish has the right suit for you since they come customized. Regardless, if you wear one of these guys you are bound to get some attention. I know DRizz has one with a skunk on it, and my hot pink tiger striped speedo is nothing to be ashamed of. Happy birthday suits for everyone. Let Keri know the design you prefer and maybe she can get the whole team a set! Yeahya.
GO DUMB PANTS OFF RACING – the story of Binger and Pronk
We were monsters, our moms (and yours) would be proud. We pronked the THON and the Golden Gate bridge nearly before the sun was up.
Needless to say we prairie dogged those mini pronk hills in san fran, carbo loaded with plenty of delish granola, and made sure Frosty had a new toaster and coffee maker upon our departure from the great state of san fran bay
It ended with a bang, Binger hit his stride the whole way and came out with a new PR of 4:38. All his training paid off and he still can heed the advice of his life coach, the Raw Devastator, “Some people get in shape to run marathons, I run marathons to get in shape!” well as you would know B Dinger, our fav. Ex step cousin would work it more like “I don’t get in shape to pronk marathons, I pronk marathons to take my pants off”!
In any event, the race was great but the company was better as u can see. Come race with us, it’s more than an experience, it’s a pronkstyle. And don’t forget to pick up ur very own bottle of Pronk Powder!
Turbo Pronking Miles with Binger von Bingerstein
Ex Step Cousin Binger von Bingerstein
When we race we pronk, and when we pronk we race. Regardless, we pronk and race for Pants Off Racing. This video emulates our class and sophistication as well as our dedication to the hamster wheel! Bring it on San Fran Thon, you have nothing on Von Binger and Pronk Bird. TWEET TWEET
53 Days Until Sept. 13
Yeahya! 53 days!
Almost time to see who will make it through the full Ironman. Good friend T Pot was not in attendance during this last press conference, he was prolly running a race somewhere on the east.
anyway, more updates to follow, hope all is training well and we’ll see you for our Kick Off event Oct 25 in LA (Westwood/Brentwood area). Pants Party to follow! Check out the Hirshberg Foundation Pancraetic Cancer Race (LA Cancer Challenge) on the Google. Mr Smeagol will even be in attendance! Yeahya
